Между пръстите на днес

   По дяволите.

   Знаете ли какво се случва, когато думите ви са умрели?... Умрели като ноемврийските листа на задната улица. Мъртви като баба си, която помните, но си е отишла преди много време, оставяйки ви само със няколко приказни саги и думи, които сте забравили, защото не сте ги разбрали. Ето толкова мъртви. И няма да оживеят никога.

   Думите ви са толкова изстинали в гробовете си във всяка социална мрежа или тъпо признание или безсмислена песен или в устата на някоя перхидролена чанта, че чак не можете да намерите сила да ги въздигнете със собствените си уста. Знаете какво усещате, какво изпитвате, но думите, с които да го изразите, са изхабени и захвърлени навсякъде. Твърде загубили смисъла си. Думите.

   Какво мислите, че правите? Искате нещо просто. Искате да изразите себе си, честно, неподправено и пълно, но най-точните думи вече са заети от глупави асоциации, метафори и всякакви простотии. И толкоз. Аз ли ще обърна света и значението на думите, мислите си. Мисля си и аз. Всяка искрена и проста дума, която означава каквото означава ( Платоне, можеш да заплачеш точно тук, сега )  е заета. Е убита. Е натоварена със други значения и възприятия. Каква е тая глупост?!?, казвам аз. Каква?

   Човек съм. Обичам буквите. И книгите. И думите във тях. Но ( ето го това "но" ) думите не са еднакви. Думите са емоции, усещания и желания. Думите са боите и нюансите, четките, платната и разтворителите на един художник. Думите са като бензина за колата ви - нямате бензин - не отивате никъде. Как прехвърлят метафорите и асоциациите тъй лесно? Къде е леля ви Ленче от пейката пред блока да ви каже адекватното и направо препоръчително "Вие срам нямате ли бе?!?" Как съсипвате всяко чувство, обстановка и какво ли не още само с безполезното постване на снимчица на рози с цитат от някой автор за когото , често, даже и понятие си нямате?

    Красотата на един поп свят. Метафори и адекватност - комбинацията, която никога няма да пребъде.

Значението на детайла, снимка на Мина Константинова

    Това не би трябвало да е назидателно слово. Само искам да ви кажа как се чувствам днес. Днес бих искала да ви споделя как сънищата ми и дните са преплетени в една вманиаченост, как бих искала да се разсея с който и да било грях или негрях, само и само да изоставя тази мисъл. Обаче днес, всяка дума, подходяща да опиша мисълта си, е заета от глупостта на съвремието или пък от високи промисли чрез простите няколко думи, които бих искала да изрека. Честно, хора, стегнете се, защото вече ми омръзна всичко да е свързано с любов, снимки на пушеци в Тъмблър и някакви постхипарски, полухормонално неадекватни изблици.
А за останалите, благодаря, ако четете това. Благодаря, ако не го четете. Благодаря, ако пишете или пък ако нямате какво и затова не го правите. Благодаря, че се борите най-доброто средство на един съвременен естет да оживее.

До непостналите подобни простотии:
Вие сте спасители на времето си и на думите във него. Спасявате думите от загуба на своето значение.

Why are you around?...

There are always people around us. Wheter they are the school clique of idiots or our friends that we adore, they are undoubtedly around us. Like the Sun and stars around. Uhh, sounds too romantic.
Think.
Who comes to your mind first?
You mum.
Your beloved.
Your what?
So, have you asked yourself the question why are these people round? Do we deserve their natural presence in our life? Even the smelly idiot sitting next to you in the bus everyday is naturally situated there by a random universal power.

But                                                                                         WHY?

There are numerous question about this mysterious phenomenon. I wonder if we are all in the same dimension sometimes. Are we meant to meet here and now? Are we meant to become friends? Why are you then walking the opposite direction to the cafe today, mate? Are you here and now? Do you see me or is the Universe an obstacle?

Is there a mistique barrier that we can't see through? There are so many people in our lives and, in the same time, so many that we won't ever know... We won't be able to feel those around.

Is it real guys?
Is it real that all of us live in different shades and just pass by,  never knowing what we slipped through that lazy break?
If it is the Universe that divides us, why does it care so much? It is already a whole huge bag of different colours and people and emotions and everything. It is a balanced mess.
Does it stop us from being here and now for the sake of being somewhere there one day?

За кафето и теб

Кафето си ти. Ти си кафе.
Да.
Да.
Разбра ме. Знам.
Не, не. Не е така.
Добре.
Сутринта станах и отпих глътка топло кафе.
Хубаво беше.
Да.
Добре.
Сетих се, че ще те видя днес. Странно беше. Хареса ми. Не знам защо го споменавам, но така си беше.
И после бутилирах теб, Кафето, де. Не беше хубаво в бутилка, трябваше му кислород - ако не е окислено става твърде сладко.
Стоях цял ден, гледах умно и говорих умно. Усмихвах се на хората наоколо. И те пиеха "кафе" - гадно 3в1, което напомняше боза. Аз си пиех кафето от бутилката и си мислех за деня.
По обяд те видях на гарата.
Ами хубаво беше. Не споменах, че очите ти имат цвят на кафе. Напомнят ми за него. Добре е. Бутилката ми е празна в момента.
Говорим.
Хубаво е.
Така е. Да.
Не пиеш кафе, но не пиеш и бози. Казах ти - ти си кафе.
Прибирам се вкъщи.
Пия кафе.

Величината

   Седяха двама във влака. Говореха, говореха, говореха. И да, говореха. Инда и Линида. Звучат странно; да бе, знам. Та Инда гледаше Линида. И замлъкнаха, Е, помълчаха си за малко. Линида гледаше през широкия прозорец, дето влака щедро предоставяше на всеки пътник; безкористно, по всяко време. И тя зяпаше. Червените щръкове покрай релсовата линия. Инда се чудеше какво ли прави там самотен онзи хълм. Освен да си е хълм, какъв ли щеше да е, ако беше човек? Щеше ли да мърда оживено на съседната седалка или щеше да седи както сега - тихо и достойно.
    Не говореха. Мълчаха. За минута - две, не повече.

- Какви са електроните по същността си - първите или антипървите частици?

   Тишината си седеше лениво там.
   Линида се обърна и го зяпнна. Тихо и умислено беше.

 - Не знам.

   Инда обясни защо се чуди. Браво. Добре. Пак стана тихо.

- Науката дефинира всичко, нали?

- Опитва се.

- Защо?

- Защото нещата се повтарят и е хубаво някой да ги запише.

- Тишината повтаря ли се?

- Еее.. Не знам.

- Не, не се повтаря, мисля. Тишината е сега и е специална. Тишината не чака повторението, тя го предизвиква.

- Тишината е наука. Тишината е нетрептящата вълна от въздуха, от материята.

- Да бе, ясно. В един филм, обаче, казаха за науката, че ако нещо се повтаряло, някой трябвало да го наблюдава и да забележи закономерност. Каква закономерност има в тишината?

- Тишината се появява в сравнително едни и същи ситуации..

- Но не значи едно и също.

- Хората я усещат по приблизително еднакъв начин.

- Не можеш да знаеш какво усещат хората.

- Напротив.

- Добре.

Спогледаха се.

- Добре де, ако тишината е величина, каква ще й е мерната единица? Секунди, думи, спомени, докосвания, какво?

   Инда се замисли. Честно, имаше известна доза мнителност в теорията... Наистина.

- Все още не знам.

- Научи.

- Как?

- С опит.

- Опитът може ли да е мерна единица?

- Твърде относителна би била такава мерна единица...

- Е, то науката е относителна... Понятията поне.

- Тогава как нещо относително ще дефинира друга относителност?

- Каква друга относителност?

- Животът.

- Е... Да. Странно е. Ама кой пък друг ще може да постави някакви повтарящи се модели?

- Няма такива модели, има статистически принцип на вероятностите, който хората следват.

- Мамка му.

- Добре.
 
     Тишина.
     Инда и Линида се гледаха.
     Влакът спря.
     Те слязоха.

- Относително тишината се измерва в чувства.

- Значи така било...

The Lucky Block ( Nothing More )

The hazy air of a cloudy September day. East wind caresses faces of no kind. They are all walking rhythmically, as if a conductor executes a devoting act on their heart rate. A single march harmony... Beat up - beat up - beat down.

Strangers speaking, giggling, slowing down pointless revelations; outgoing nutsies, antisocial freaks, trivial people in their glamorous decay. A crowd.

Amongst the mass, a spot of different origin is slowly moving. He. He steps confidently submerged in doubt for this vane world, for this empty scene. Passing by glittering shop windows and their on-lookers, bookstores and fake in-depth readers, the cafe's full of ignorance crowds seem the most sophisticated fraction at the city centre. 

He walks in unknown direction; relies on the spontaneous. Nothing spontaneous. Observing this deadly boring crowd, He decides to go left and enters the block. It turns out to be the same old block that he has walked through countless times. 

A sunny afternoon in July, building flash their heat to the innocent victims of the Sun. Moments of mere haze in Plovdiv when he used to dream of nothing more than he had... His beloved by him, her guitar in his hands, the profound creation of nothing more than gentle motion over strings. 

It all sounds now as a bland dream of stocky past time. "There should not be anything wrong in memory, " he reckons.

Another spring memory flooded his mind. It was an April day, outstanding with nothing more than any other. It was simply the day of their first... Date ( which sounds too inappropriately trivial ). It was the day when they spent some time together, laughed and The Beloved One went straight into the question.

"I really like you. Do you like me?" 

He nodded yes. Then on, they continued examining the depths of their souls; they sank into each other till they touched the bottom. 

Here, at these streets, in this block they shared secrets and days, the bread of their spirits.

He opens the door of a small shop. It is a tobacco shop with sweets and sweets ...

The woman behind the pile of sweets says "Hi." And asks what He wants. Like this, straight into the question. He looks at her and says he doesn't know, he will pick up in a while. The blonde is not happy. Who cares?

Everything is too connected - the cigarettes, the sweets, the old plasma television above the carrot juices. He picks up nothing for his pockets are empty. As usual, whenever one's satisfaction depends on long-termed relationship, as with men and money, it is an already fight. He slowly turns left, ready to go out, when his dark chocolate eyes meet a red box screamingly imprinted "Lucky Cookie" on.

Why not? A luck. What fucking luck could you have, He? The Beloved One left you with no love, no explanation, no voice, no guitar, no strings. Right here your luck left you. Why not ironically try to get a new one?

He laughs at the thought of paying 0.5 levs for a life-changing good. Yep. 

He pays and leaves the shop. He goes up one of the hills. Passing through the cobbled street, the shops and the tedious embraced couples, he finally reaches the TV hill. He is alone.

He sits on a rock and gazes at the city down there. Where is she now? Is she alone? Is she sad? Or happy? Is she thinking of someone? Or is someone else thinking of her?

No, probably not. He is not right. Many will now think of her. He recalls the time before they started meeting more often. She had her friends; they were awesome. He was the outsider but they didn't mind as long as he listened to Aerosmith, knew a few songs' lyrics by heart and didn't bother them too much - it was ok. So the wild girl in jeans and silence is probably not alone now. 

What a luck? To be left with nothing more than solitude, poverty and sorrow. Yep. It is a base.

He opens the plastic package and puts it into his pocket. Cracks the cookie and pulls out the luck; puts aside the cookie.

"Unwind your headphones!" 

End.

The Freak of Freakland

There is a day. That's today. I traveled on a train. There was a train. I've been waiting for a Cancer to come to the station. There is a Cancer at the station. I had waited for a conversation with the Cancer. There was a conversation witht the Cancer. I had waited to travel with the Cancer. There was a common commute to Freakland. I had longed to travel with the Cancer by the window of the train to Freakland. There was me travelling by the window. The Cancer wasn't there.
We got to Freakland. We stapped foot separately. Every freak of Freakland stared at me. There was a communal staring. I had to wait and speak to the Cancer. There wasn't such thing. There were headphones and I put them. I should have waited for the Cancer. I didn't waited for the Cancer. The Cancer walked behind my back. There wasn't face by my side. There was mistake in all of it. I should've stopped and waited for the Cancer.
Should?
Orpheus lost the modern Eurydice.
The Freak of Freakland wasn't a freak. The Freak become a freak on Freakland.



End.

The Love Gathered in a Mix Tape

Love is a matter of eternal questions. Yes. There is no right definition. Love is just love. And when love meets music, what happens? Do we collect the love into our most memorable songs or love fills the moment of the song and later on it is past?  Or do the music keeps the love sounding into the void ?
Recently I've read Love is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield. It is an amazing book! Undoubtedly! Definitely! It is a life woven into string, songs and remarkable non-turns. Every chapter welcomes with a list of songs taped. I asked myself. What is it about? Is it about life? or is it about love? Or love to music? Is there a clear answer for my vision? No.
Love is a happening. Love is not an object or subject. But neither is music. It is a soul. Strangely, non of us realises how amusing can  Difference be before living through it. For example, how different love can be from in love? If you have been in loved, you can undoubtedly remember a song or two that marks your crush. Oblivion by Bastille is a sample in terms of my crush. It was a long-time crush dedicating me to total obsession with this song. The song now reminds me of these September days during which I waited. Just waited to meet a pair of eyes. Not this piece of music is a reminder and carries my story. But... Is it the story that marked the song or the song marked my story?...
These questions raised while I was reading the book. If I was in loved once and now I just listen to these songs what will happen? Metaphysics can't really help here, huh? It is more of a component than a solution. The author says that if you gather all your mix tapes in one place, you'll get the story of your life. It is a brilliantly said truth. Spoken out loud. I often think of summarising my story so far, but I am not sure if some time later my story will receive a totally different meaning.
Can we say our musical history can be taken into new aspects? Is I possible to change our so-far history only by a single sip of coffee at the station?!
There are so many questions about love and music and history. They ate actually too much. The one thing that Rob Sheffield taught me for sure is that music is a carrier of love. Love at any level. Love of anyone to anyone. Love in the cake you ate yesterday under Sting's Desert Rose. Love is everywhere in everything. Music is also everywhere. It is glorious power that knows no obstacle to enchant both souls and minds. Music keeps safe the love you felt that day on the train. Music is what preserves it after you got distracted.
Thanks Rob! :)
I'll remember what you said and keep it into Losing My Religion day after day. Ok, I've just overdramatized this blog. I am quitting now. You all got the point. Listen the music and feel what you feel. You will feel it again sometime in prospect. :)

"Like a Satellite"....

Random day. Practice C1 book on the table. Eating. Searching through Youtube.

I found the German Eurovision representator in.. I forgot the year. It's Lena with her song Satellite. I have had just a few moments in my life ( so far )  to experience finding out a song that describes myn feelings in the past but at a current moment. I start thinking: How are we supposed to get advice and recognition of our feelings just after we had taken action?
I am really astonished by the trivia of our lives. It is inevitable we made mistakes. Ok. But, leaving the scars of our mistakes and ongoing stories, how entartaining life can be with all of its curves and jokes?
Don't worry - you'll make your mistakes today. That's fine. You'll suffer. You'll get depressed. You'll lose friends. You'll talk to strangers. All of these are fine. They are natural in their non-aesthetisc shades. But how hard will you laugh when hearing the lyrics of the song you needed half a year ago?! How would you feel realising that your feelings are put in a song you are listening to at the present moment? As if one has burried your feelings in a book waiting for you at the attic, dusty and mature with all this time...
Let's take for example Emil Konrad's book. It's not the paperback novel that can be encountered on a shelf at the bookstore, but is undoubtedly not a sample of modern genius's work. Still, I found out how disturbing it may be to read your past from the sit on the afternoon train. It was an experience of getting to know yourself years after living through a definite moment. Same is the connection with songs - they are there ( not on a shelf but still in the space ), waiting for your arrival, never giving you a special sign of their significance, magnidicently glowing between the spacial distrubution of the Nothing and your intensely fulfilled inner matter.
So, the next question is on the line:
How can we possibly get rid of a period in our existence when a song, a book or simply a girl sitting on the bus stop may result in our memories coming flooding back.